I am busy reading ‘A New Earth’ by Eckhart Tolle. This is my third
attempt, and I have already had to force myself to pick the book up, night after night, on this last attempt. I can’t say why I’ve struggled so with this book. I
can only think it may have something to do with my change in character from my
teenage years where energies, reiki, spirits and astrology were very much part
of life; to now, where I have my feet planted firmly on solid ground.
It is not to say that those who believe in those things do have have their feet on the ground, or that I think it's a load of bull, it is rather that as I’ve grown older I’ve become in need of
practical, down-to-earth, basic beliefs to guide me - like 'meat & potatos' kind of stuff. Perhaps it has to
something to do with Malakai’s birth, where I faced a total shift in my perspective.
I very quickly found I had to be responsible, do the right thing, and focus very much on my child’s
physical needs.
But I never really lost
my previous belief-systems; they were just filed away for a period of time. And
that time is now coming to an end; I am dusting off those old perspectives and
beliefs. The reason for this is because I’ve also reached a point where I know
that my mind is my greatest enemy, where my constant need to do, achieve,
become and create is getting in the way of the stillness that has to come
through. I have systematically shut off emotional well being in favour of mental
prowess – and how could I not?
I have spent the
last five years researching, learning, finding and systematically
assimilating hundreds of pages of research, studies, reports and findings into anything and
everything that has to do with Down syndrome and the variety of ways in which
it may or may not impact my child’s development. I had to do the right thing by my child. There was no time for my seemingly inconsequential feelings.
But by shutting off
my emotional well being I have instead created a well that is so deep and so
vast – filled to the brim (and now spilling over) with feeling. It doesn’t take
much to set me off in a fit of tears and unimaginable heartache. And to boot, I think I've overused my brain and thinking processes to the point where I suspect I've killed off a couple hundred-thousand brain cells.
Which brings me to ‘A
New Earth’. I am forcing myself to read this book in the hopes that somewhere in
there I will find my salvation. My balance. Myself. And yet, I suspect my
mental self (which Eckhart calls the ‘ego’) has tried to stop me from reading (insert evil laugh... bwa-ha-ha-ha...).
Despite this I’ve found the resolve to pick the book up again, and again. I am
now halfway through and learning about the difference between Ego and
Being (or Human and Being) and I had an epiphany last night that I had to share
with my husband.
Eckhart spoke of two
things – of Doing and of Being; and of Human and Being. They are similar, so
stick with me here.
He explains that our Ego
is addicted to Doing. We think that if we do enough we will eventually become
enough. But the Ego never has enough; its desire for more is insatiable. And so
we fill our lives with Doing-Doing-Doing and totally neglect simply Being (which
is the link to our inner selves, our true selves, where we are One with
everything). I saw myself so clearly in that analogy of Doing – because that is
exactly what I’ve been doing for 5 years (excuse the pun). I have been Doing-Doing-Doing and nothing else… To the point where if I manage to complete a
project, the emptiness that follows scares the hell of out me and I become
depressed because I’m not Doing Something
Amazingly Important! Ha!
The next thing he
discussed just about hit me upside the head and my first thought was of Malakai.
Eckhart referred to all of us as Human Beings – the Human referring to Ego, and
the Being referring to our Inner Selves where we are One with everything. He
said that our journey on earth is to find a balance between being Human and
simply Being. Because let’s face it, we will never be free of our Egos and our Humanness, but we
can recognise it for what it is and slowly work towards the knowledge that
this body, these talents, these limitations, these fears, these imperfections;
they are part of my Humanness, but they are not ME… you see? Do you see?
I thought
immediately of Malakai and how his birth was my first true knowledge of this. I
remember in the chaos, pain, disillusionment and tears of his first few days of
life… I remember in all of that when the doctor brought me Malakai’s blood test
– called a Karotype – and there it was, plain as day – “This patient displays triplication of the 21st chromosome
in all 20 cells tested that is consistent with a diagnosis of full Down
syndrome. Refer patient for genetic counselling.” There it was, bloody proof
that our baby was broken.
And yet, in all of
that, a voice that felt as though it came from somewhere else and still rather strangely
sounded like my own said, “How can a blood test tell me who my son is going to
be? It can’t tell me if he’s going to like riding bikes, or painting, or
singing. It can’t tell me if he’ll be outgoing or introverted. It certainly can’t
tell me that he won’t love hugs and kisses, tickles and stories before bed.” I
just knew, instantly, that a blood test could not tell me WHO Malakai was…
And so, despite the
fact that a blood test confirmed my son’s Humanness is flawed or broken or whatever… it does not take away from his Being - they are two different things people! Deep inside him is a Being,
like me, like my husband, like you, like everyone else. And this Being is made no less by the virtue of the Humanness in which it resides... let me repeat that: And this Being is made no
less by virtue of the Humanness in which it resides.
In fact, Malakai
couldn’t care less about petty pitfalls of Ego and Humanness - jealously, anger and
bitterness - until Harlan came along and showed him how to throw a tantrum and
how to hold on tightly to stuff – mine, mine, mine. Bless Harlan’s Humanness,
for he is just like the rest of us and will learn in his own good time. Malakai only
learned these behaviours from mimicking his brother, and in the very beginning he
would share happily – until one day he realised that Harlan would take everything
without stopping if he let him. Typical of a 2-3 year old, Harlan is
selfish, demanding and learning to associate everything as being either ‘mine’
or ‘someone elses’, and the more he can organise for himself, the better.
But still, Malakai
simply doesn’t prescribe to notions of socialising; the norms and rules and ‘expectations’
in this world. In this way I suppose his Humanness (his Ego) is broken, but we knew that already. And I ask you is it
such a bad thing?
I see Malakai as being more in touch with his Being, and with
much more ease than anyone else around him – almost as if he has a direct line
that is always open. And yet, the world that is ruled by collective Ego will
look at Malakai and see a broken child, unworthy of the same rights to life,
love, and relationships as the rest of us. Seriously, there are many people out there - many - that would prefer if Malakai and others like him never got the chance to take a breath, live a life, give and receive love. Why? Because they come in a broken package that magnifies the reality that our Humanness is essentially flawed - for some its an extra chromosome, for others its a missing limb, for many its addiction (to drugs, money, sex, power or whatever), and for all of us its the fear that we are never going to be good enough. But as long as we can all pretend that perfection in our human form is possible, as long as we continue to eliminate those 'irritating little mistakes' that our bodies betray us with, we can continue to believe the lies our Ego's present as truth.
No, Malakai's Being is never far away, and
most who meet my son will comment on how gorgeous he is, how happy he makes
them – perhaps because his Being is having a secret and direct meeting with their Being;
sidestepping the Ego altogether. He simply makes people happy, and yet the
default Egotistical response to Malakai and others with Down syndrome is of
pity or fear – and I have come to really understand what Jesus said when he
was nailed to his cross, “Do not judge them for they know not what they do.” It's just an Ego-Thing.
But like it or not, the Being is there and it
essentially knows and understands that the package we come in – our Humanness –
is just a shell. It is not who I am. It is not who Malakai is. It is not who
you are either…
