"The Talk" part 1

So, I’ve been seeing an educational psychologist because sometimes I just don’t have all the answers, no matter how badly I’d like to believe that parenting is wholly intuitive and Love solves almost any challenge.

You see, while I understand that discipline is probably the hardest part of being a parent, I have a little conundrum – Harlan and Malakai just don’t listen, but for two very different reasons. Harlan is a stubborn little guy, and getting him to play along with anything that’s not part of his original agenda is practically impossible. And of course, the agenda of a 3.5 year old boy is often very far removed from the values that I am trying to instil in my children – patience, courtesy, thinking of others and so on.

And then there’s Malakai, who for all intents and purposes is functionally deaf. His auditory processing is so poor because of his Down syndrome that I can repeat myself a million times and he’ll still not listen. Add to that another factor that is common with Down syndrome – a poor impulse control – and I am like a broken record.

So. Two kids. Neither listen. Malakai for developmental reasons and Harlan because he’s seen and learned from Malakai that listening is not something we need to do…

Then the psychologist suggested something I have not actually thought of – and I’m not sure why it never occurred to me. She suggested we talk about Down syndrome and how Malakai lives by different rules…

Our conversation:

Psychologist: “Tell Harlan that Down syndrome means that his brother has a different set of rules to the rest of us.”

Me: “Ok. But I haven’t told Harlan his brother has Down syndrome. In fact… I haven’t told Malakai he has Down syndrome…”

*gulp*

It’s true! I have never told Malakai he has Down syndrome, and while I’ve mentioned in passing to Harlan that Malakai needs extra help with some stuff in life, I’ve never actually given it a name – Down syndrome.

Psychologist: “Oh, I see. Well I suggest you talk to both of them. It’s good to give Malakai’s learning difficulties a name. Show Harlan pictures of other kids with Down syndrome. Show him Malakai’s eyes, his hands, his feet, and other markers of Down syndrome. Then they can both understand why there are different rules for each of them.”

Me: “Um. Ok.”

Firstly, it brought back to me the day that Malakai was born and how the paediatrician pointed out all his markers. “You see here…” she said matter-of-factly, using her manicured finger to point out the physical features that suggested Malakai had Down syndrome, “Here on the inside of his eyes, that fold? And here on his hands, a single crease? And here on his feet, a large gap between his big toe and the next? And see how short his fingers are…”

Ugh!!! I hated to see my child as a set of ‘physical markers’… he was not an encephalitic fold, he was not a single palmer crease, he was not a sandle-gap, and damn-it, my fingers are very short and stubby! So, from that day I ignored these features, except in moments where I would secretly glance at them, a reminder of my son’s different-ness. But we never talked about them, because what the hell for?

Until now, like a dork I needed to be told by my children’s psychologist that I need to have ‘the talk’ with my children. And I am not sure why I never thought of it before? I suppose it may have something to do with the fact that we not only choose not to, but we really and truly don’t see Malakai as that different from his brother or any other kid for that matter. We are not delusional you see, and of course we see he’s delayed in many areas, but he’s just not that different. He’s just Malakai to us…

But I understand that this attitude may not be the best when it comes to setting rules in our house – rules being an important part of parenting. Expecting Malakai to follow instructions when he clearly struggles with this is unfair of us, and because we instinctively know this, Harlan sees how we compromise. Then, Harlan - being the industrious little boy he is - takes this as a sign that listening is simply not that important in our house, and we’re left with two kids who don’t listen and one mom who is about to hit the roof out of sheer frustration.

So, we’ll have to have ‘the talk’… I am just not sure how I’ll actually do it, and if I’ll say the right thing… Heaven’s alive, I hope I say the right thing!