The Big Thing

 

 

So I got news today that our UK settlement visa applications have been completed and are enroute back from the UK to the visa application centre in Pretoria, and I’m like WHOA… (in caps, yes)

 

This means that technically we could meet our initial flight bookings for the 6^th of November, which is like tomorrow… pretty much… almost… ok not really, but it feels like tomorrow. And I’m all like – wait a minute, don’t I need to do things, finish things, see people, get a good haircut in rands, buy new bras and stuff? And what about The Big Thing? The Saying Goodbye to My Country Thing?

 

Because although we’ve planned this whole immigration – thought it through like the responsible adults and parents we are – the whole thing has only taken about six months from our decision to, well… today. And I’ve been so busy planning a trans-continental-and-hemisphere move that I’ve forgotten to actually process The Big Thing.

 

Because while I know this is a good decision for Malakai’s present and future – can’t argue with that – it’s not like we hated our lives over here. Not by a long shot. We were happy, we were finally coming out of a very long and sleep-deprived journey as new parents and entering the phase of ‘not-so-new, not-so-tired, hey-let’s-have-a-braai-at-our-place parents’… and then we leave. We walk away from the promise of an actual social life, a rekindling of old friendships, and a pretty friggen awesome neighbourhood (holla Centurion!), for the cold, drizzly, unknown of semi-rural England.

 

And suddenly – even though I miss my husband, and my children are pretty much aching for their father with their entire little bodies – I am not so excited about boarding that plane… I am scared. I am not really ready to say goodbye to my home and my country. I feel like I need to release some balloons, or write a note and bury it, or plant a tree or do something with profound meaning (that is not quite Grade 9-ish in character). But what?

 

Well, I’ve got like a day or two to figure something out. I think. But still – how do I say goodbye? How do I leave and possibly never return (unless it’s on a friggen awesome Pound-based holiday)?

 

I’m not sure. For the entire six months it’s been about the planning the move, finding the money (much too much of it), conversing with the immigration lawyer (without sounding neurotic), the visa applications, the mind-numbing paperwork and forms, packing up an entire house, dropping my Dolly (the boy’s nanny and my right-hand-woman) at her new job without crying openly in front of anyone, while still maintaining some kind of normalcy for the children – but it’s never been about saying goodbye. Not until now.

 

Now I actually face saying goodbye – I actually have to do it and I just feel so unprepared for this. So totally unprepared. Maybe I think too much; people move all over the world all the time, every country is filled with foreigners making lives, meeting people, and having a good time. Hell, I love to travel, and off we go in a few days’ time! So what’s the big deal about The Big Thing?

 

Could it have something to do with the way in which South African’s subconsciously judge those who choose to leave? Faders. Sissies. They obviously don’t have what it takes to make it in Africa – and whatever, because we know it rocks here. The weather, the people, the spirit, the sport, the landscapes, the beauty, the big sky, the wildlife, the stars, the bravery, the can-do attitude. Those who want to leave are ‘giving up’ on South Africa and we secretly hope they’ll hate where they’re going to more than they hated South Africa.

 

But you see… sometimes people don’t leave because they’re running away from something. Sometimes people leave because they’re running towards something – and there is a difference. We are not leaving because we hate our country, because we think it’s a horrible place, because we are scared for our futures here (ok, well we are terribly scared of Malakai’s future here – that’s totally true). We are leaving because we are going towards something – the best education we can offer our child with special needs, and the best for his future. That’s what we’re running towards, that’s our driving force, because South Africa simply cannot offer it. It just can’t. Not right now anyway.

 

So is part of my fear of leaving that I don’t actually want to leave, that I’m not running away? Maybe… So there’s only one thing to do Loren Stow! Look forward, run towards an amazing inclusive and empathic education system for Malakai. I’m a-runnin’, but I still need to process this step, this Big Thing, this very difficult goodbye.