On motherhood

I have personally found the journey into motherhood to be less like roses and butterfly kisses, and a little more like a baptism of fire. I’m sure this has its roots in personality type – I am a perfectionist and not that fond of loud noise… I am also sure this has a little something to do with having two horrific birth experiences which brought me two rather difficult babies – one with special needs and the other with colic.

                I went from being able to control my entire existence (which included keeping the noise levels down) to being flung entirely unprepared into this responsibility of motherhood, my imperfections held up to my face. My life as I knew it imploded over a series of years, in the most spectacular ways. Looking back, it is almost comical.

                Today, almost five years since welcoming my first son, I am a born-again mother. My old self has all but completely given way to the urgent needs of two toddler boys, and I cannot go even two nights without missing them with an intensity that only a mother can understand.

                I only wish that I had attended a post-natal class – one that didn’t only prepare me for birth and taking a new baby home, but one that prepared me for what motherhood would bring. So much uncertainty, feelings of inadequacy, shock at the total upheaval that would come. I wish someone, somewhere, would have given me the heads up because I know I am not alone.

                I still long for silence and order – the things that instinctively make me feel like I’m doing a good job with my life. But I have learned to accept the chaos and noise, because these two things are delivered in two particularly delightful packages – my sons. They grow and develop and change and become – on a daily basis… it is astounding (and incredibly gratifying) to be instrumental in the human beings they will one day become.

                I believe that there are mothers out there who take to this whole experience like ducks to water, but I am not one of them. I accept that. For me motherhood is often difficult, painful even. And that’s ok. Instead of simply jumping into motherhood, I have taken to it by slowly being stripped bare. Loosing layer upon layer has taken me closer to the truth of who I am, what I need to do, and why I do it day in and day out.

                I am the mother that I am, and that is ok.